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Raising More Hell  
12:58am 11/07/2007
"There's a little bit of hooker in every woman. A little bit of hooker and a little bit of God."
-Sarah Miles

A very intricate and wonderful person exposed me to this today. I'm sure old copypasta is old, but shit, man, I've been dead for two thousand years. Nah, just kiddin'. What, you think Jesus of Nazareth was the 21st Incarnation? Anywho, I really enjoyed it.

Till Hell Freezes Over

The following is an actual question given in a University of Washington engineering mid-term exam. The answer was so profound that the Professor shared it with his colleagues.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

However, one student wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." and take into account the fact that I still haven't succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received a well deserved A.
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Poetry (re: Brahman)  
03:14pm 09/07/2007
"Another way to describe Brahman, as mentioned in the Bhagavad Gita, is to say, 'Brahman is not this... Brahman is not that...' Until everything in the infinite universe has been eliminated and only Brahman remains."

Fast as fire
Light as air
Firm as water
Smooth as sand
Empty as void

Search for it, and find everything it looks like-
but if everything is borne of it,
in everything a facet.

If it is everything it isn't,
then perhaps to find it is to find everything it could be,
and continue looking?

Perhaps there,
in the land of non-,
past all the islands of Are,
it has been the ocean all along?

The poem I wrote in February.
I first heard of Brahman in March.
The quote I just read today.

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06:04pm 07/07/2007
"In Witchcraft, each of us must reveal our own truth."
-Starhawk, Spiral Dance

Drugs're bad, m'kay?

This is gonna be a short entry 'cos I really have to get going. I'm attending a Massive Multiplayer Offline Living Art Piece, it's halfway across the city, in one hour and one minute, and I'm not even dressed yet.

Witches? Go fuckin' nuts. Non-witches? BE WITCHES.

You know that part in the bible? Exodus 22:18, "Thou shalt not suffer a sorceress to live."?

That is pure unadulterated revisionist bullshit. The original Hebrew texts say Hashshashin, or something to that effect. Say it slowly, syllable by syllable. What's it sound like? Assassin.
Back in the day, assassins were huge Hash users; that's how they got their name. They very often also used poisons to kill their marks, as forensics wasn't such a hot field back then. A more literal translation of that passage would be "Thou shalt not suffer a poisoner to live."

During the King James days, witches were a thorn in his holy backside. In those days, witches were the spiritual centres for villages. They were healers, counsellors, mediators, and teachers. What did they teach? The Pagan way. (Pagan is derivative of Italian pagani, meaning 'peasant', by the way. Catholicism was a rich people's religion.) The royalty, wanting to hold a better stranglehold on it's people, though, wanted them to all learn Catholicism, since it made the masses smaller, more fearful, quieter, and easier to deal with. Paganism gave the individual power. Catholicism took it away.

Now. Witches in those days made a lot of home brewed medicines. They did a lot of herb work, and a lot of the herbs they used were poisonous. Hawthorne, nightshade, those sorts of things. In very very mild doses, they could be entirely medicinal.
The royalty took right to that though. It was so damned convenient. Witches = thorn in side. Witches use poisons for good. But the Good Book didn't specify why it was bad to use poisons. Just that it was.

One quick revision and it was all over.


Paganism gives power to the individual.
Felt powerless lately?
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Triple Sevens  
04:53pm 07/07/2007
"When we speak of Shangri-La, what you think we mean?
Truth is we follow GOD!!!!
We've always been behind Him!
The Carnival is GOD and may all Juggalos find Him!"
-Insane Clown Posse - Thy Unveiling


West: You live your life, you die, you are judged by the weight of your sins versus your virtues. If you have too many sins, you go to Hell/Purgatory until you have paid for your sins and then you rejoin God in Heaven. If you have been virtuous, you skip right to God in Heaven.

East: You live your life, you die, you are judged by the weight of your karma. Typically you reincarnate into a form that is fitting to teach you the lessons you didn't get in your past life. However, if you have been perfectly virtuous, you get to escape the wheel of karma and reincarnation to chill with whichever highest power the particular sect believes in.

Now. If you haven't read this entry, please do.

I can wait.

(Hmm hmmm mmm hm hmmmmmm...)



So. We've established that the Maya is "Hell". That this material world is the proving grounds, the land where reincarnated souls go to learn the lessons they need to learn until they Get It Right. If that's true, though... Now we can tie Western and Eastern notions of the afterlife into the same thing.
Be sinful, you go to Hell; back to Earth.
Be virtuous, you chill with my Dad.

But what's virtuous? What's sinful? Is homosexuality a sin? I certainly hope not, or my divine ass is going straight to hell. Fornication? The bible says so (although we covered that already; click the link). The bible says if you find a witch and don't pelt her sorry ass with big fuckin' rocks, you're just as sinful as she is.
Wonderful, wonderful thing, that book.

Okay, let's review some Freudian Psychology. (I'm not advocating everything the guy says, by the way, the dude was a quack; but even quacks have gotta be right sometimes.) You've got your Id, your Ego, and your Superego.
"The id is responsible for our basic drives such as food, sex and aggressive impulses, and demands immediate satisfaction. It is amoral and egocentric, ruled by the pleasure-pain principle; it is without a sense of time; completely illogical; primarily sexual; infantile in its emotional development; will not take 'no' for an answer; is without verbal representation and therefore does not enter consciousness. It is regarded as the reservoir of the libido or 'love energy'."
"[T]he ego is the part of the mind which contains the consciousness. Originally, Freud had associated the word ego to meaning a sense of self; however, he later revised it to mean a set of psychic functions such as judgement, tolerance, reality-testing, control, planning, defense, synthesis of information, intellectual functioning, and memory."
"[T]he super-ego is a symbolic internalization of the father figure and cultural regulations. The super-ego tends to stand in opposition to the desires of the id because of their conflicting objectives, and is aggressive towards the ego. The super-ego acts as the conscience, maintaining our sense of morality and the prohibition of taboos."

Right? Right. So. Basically we can divide this into the three states of existence (the true Holy Trinity); The Material World, the Mental World, and the Spiritual World. The Id is your manifestation of the Material World, the Ego your manifestation of the Mental World, and the Superego your manifestation of the Spiritual World. Your Id drives you towards material things, your Superego towards divine things, and your Ego is caught in the middle trying to mediate all this. Your consciousness is the link between the two worlds, two worlds which cannot otherwise be interacted with.
Suddenly it makes sense why we're all so fuckin' confused all the time.

Digression! Anyway. So how do we make it into reuniting with the body of God; a.k.a. Heaven? By always choosing our Superego over our Id. When you turn away from material pursuits like the acquisition of goods, rich foods, sex, things that stimulate our five material senses, your consciousness naturally develops a stronger relationship with the immaterial. When you die, your soul/consciousness (same thing) either falls back into the material realm, or, if you've been devoutly immaterial, tips into the æther.

But do you want to go to Heaven?

Ever have one of those moments where everything was so serenely perfect? I wouldn't be suprised if most of you haven't. But some of us, including myself, have experienced a moment of pure transcendental bliss; a moment where the universe just lined up in this delightfully perfect way and all you can do is just stand there and be overjoyed you exist.
That's Heaven. All the time. Permanently. Heaven is a realm beyond the fickle fingers of time; things don't exist for spans in that realm. What exists always has existed, always will exist. For a creature such as us which has only experience of being in a dimension subordinate to time, we can't really comprehend how that's possible.
But alas; There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

When people in religions speak of Heaven, they speak of it as the highest order of bliss. All material wonders are 'false', they're fake bliss, they're not real.
I beg to differ.
Are the pleasures of the flesh equal to the pleasures of the soul? Well, no. Transcendental bliss is pretty much as high as you can get. Like, we're talking even better than heroin.
Does that mean that lesser bliss is 'false'...? Or is it just that... Less?
What if you're content with lesser bliss? What if it's enough for you? Now, don't get me wrong. Most people lie to themselves constantly, and usually when they lie to themselves, it's them telling themselves they're happy when they're not. If your life has some blissful things in it (maybe once a week you go to the chocolaterie and get just a couple of those better-than-sex dark chocolate truffles), but the ambient overall state of mind is poor, you're not in bliss. Now you're in false bliss.

There is a balance. It's hard. We do, after all, live in hell. But it can be done. With a proper balance of equal parts materialism, intellectualism, and spirituality, you can achieve a state of ambient bliss.
The problem with Bliss-On-The-Material-Plane, though, is that the Material plane is, as I mentioned, subordinate to the Temporal. This means that while you may have bliss now...

This is in contrast to transcendental bliss, which, as mentioned, is more forever than diamonds.

So make your calls and take your picks. But whatever you decide, make your picks soon. 'Cos if you do decide to take the material route, or worse, you don't make a decision at all, when you reincarnate you're not gonna remember any of this shit! Heh.

Peace and Love,
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Let's Talk God  
02:10pm 07/07/2007
"Oh Let's stick to it
Ev'rybody's talking about
John and Yoko, Timmy Leary, Rosemary, Tommy smothers, Bob Dylan,
Tommy Cooper, Derek Tayor, Norman Mailer, Alan Ginsberg, Hare Krishna,
Hare Krishna.
All we are saying is give peace a chance.
All we are saying is give peace a chance."
-Jesus of Liverpool (John Lennon) - Give Peace a Chance

What the God?

Wikipedia says:
"Theologians have ascribed a variety of attributes to the various conceptions of God. The most common among these include omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence, perfect goodness, divine simplicity, and eternal and necessary existence. God has also been conceived as being incorporeal, a personal being, the source of all moral obligation, and the "greatest conceivable existent". These attributes were all supported to varying degrees by the early Jewish, Christian and Muslim theologian philosophers, including Augustine of Hippo, Al-Ghazali, and Maimonides."

Catholics, and many types of Christians (Hi Reverend Phelps!), think him to be some "fickle, angry, jealous, vengeful, intolerant, displeased, needy, and violent super-human being sitting on a cloud somewhere".

Maybe not so much.

You want to hear a funny story?
Growing up, I was an atheist.
Yup. The reincarnated Son of God, for the better part of their life, honestly believed God didn't exist. You know why, though? My conception of my Father was all wrong. I thought he was (as Saint Carlin would say) some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit. I've read the Tao Te Ching, a couple books on Buddhism, the Art of War, the Principia Discordia, and some of the Baghavad-Gita, and I still haven't read the New Testament. Go figure.

So, here I am one day, chilling at a homeless shelter in the middle of winter (What did you expect, me to be rich? My famous time around I was born in a freakin' manger, for Chrissakes.), where I met these two guys. Whereas all the other people at the shelter were homophobic dicks, these guys were pretty laid back. We played a lot of Scrabble together. Like, a lot.
...But I digress; one day I was chilling and reading my Tao Te Ching when I was approached by one of them. He asked me what I was reading and we discussed it for a bit, when he told me I should come to the Hare Krsna temple with him sometime. Of course, I said sure, why not?

Oh yeah. Back story. I'd been on my spiritual path for a little while, and I had come to identify the object of my belief with some sort of abstract "everything". I used to describe it as "everything that is, everything that isn't, everything that can not logically be, and everything that's opposite to what can not be". On a particularly life-altering trip of Mushrooms and Piracetam once, I pierced the boundries of third dimensional space to look directly at it. During the state of insanity that followed for several hours, I named it "Is".

So, I go to this temple. There's chanting, singing and dancing, some cool elemental rituals, an awesome vegetarian feast of all sorts of delicious Indian cuisine, and then more singing and dancing. Before the night was over, I was handed a Baghavad-Gita. They were so nice!

I read through my Gita casually, picking it up and reading a couple verses here and there. Eventually though, amongst my readings, I came upon this word that kind of stuck out. The way that it was described kind of struck a chord in me. So, I went to the Library to look it up.
I Wiki'd "Brahman".
If you're too lazy to click the link, I'll sum it up.
"Brahman is the unchanging, infinite, immanent, and transcendent reality which is the Divine Ground of all matter, energy, time, space, being, and everything beyond in this universe."
"Essentially, it is also beyond being and non-being alike, and thus does not quite fit with the usual connotations of the word God and even the concept of monism. For this reason, some authors use the word 'Godhead' for Brahman, to distinguish it from the usual usage of the word 'God'. It is said that Brahman cannot be known by material means, that we cannot be made conscious of it, because Brahman is our very consciousness."

It. Is. Everything. Everything that is, everything that isn't, yada yada yada.

Then who's Krsna? Well, he's the face of Brahman. Brahman is the ultimate godhead; Krsna is the ultimate personality of Godhead. That's basically saying... Well. Pretty much exactly what the original, untainted definitions of God were. The universe, personified.

So who is God? Sorry, rather; what is God?

Infinite Being, Infinite Consciousness, Infinite Bliss.
He's not one dude. He's everyone. He's the universe itself, the Maya, the Paramatman (a concept which bears startling similarity to Shintoism), all of it.

God is within all and all is within God. (Ohhhhhh, so that's what that means.)

In another entry I'll discuss the fractal nature of the universe and how this relates to avatars and incarnations of the various plethora of deities, but for now we're gonna stick to what we've got here.
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HAY-EL-UH (Hell)  
04:39pm 04/07/2007
"Mind is the root cause of everything. Mind can make hell of heaven or heaven of hell. 'Manayo manushyanam bandha mokshayo.' Once the people in hell and heaven had a problem. They could not bend their bodies. Lots of food was sent from the earth to heaven and hell. I went to visit hell and heaven with a few doctors etc. to see how bad the situation was. The condition in hell was pathetic, everyone was crying, they could not eat any food as they couldn’t bend their hands to take the food to the mouth. Everyone felt bad about their condition . Next we went to heaven. Here the situation was quite opposite. There was no food, they wanted more food, no one was crying. Every one was happy. This is what they were doing. They could not put food into their own mouth, but with stretched arms they could feed each other. The problem is same in both the places, but in heaven with coordination & cooperation, they solved their problem."
-Bhagwan Sri Sri Sri Viswayogi Viswamjee Maharaj

Aich Ee Double Hockey Sticks

Phew... Where to start? Christ. (Heh.) Let's start with the bombshell and then spiral out.
You're not going to have to wait until you die to Go To Hell.
This is it.

Now that we've got that out of the way...

Look around you. Not your room, stupid. Open your eyes and look at the world around you.

Subversively mind-controlling advertisements are everywhere, programming us not only with what to buy, but how to look, how to act, how we should live our lives. Even if you don't like the brand being advertised, the pictures of models doing model things teach you what is model in society, what's normal, acceptable. Creating and maintaining your expression of self in a world where not conforming is frowned upon is a war, and 99 times out of 100, the average person loses and gives in.

High-fructose corn syrup, refined sugar ("[S]ugar is addictive like cocaine whereas fructose is addictive like crack."), caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, and a variety of other highly addictive and destructive substances are not only pumped into virtually everything we consume, but fucking glorified. Kids are taught by their peers that it's cool to pound back an entire "sixty" of alcohol in one night, vomit all over themselves, and pass out in front of the toilet. It's like a fuckin' rite of passage. University students keep piles of Jolt/Red Bull/Bawls/Coffee/whatever containers in their dorms, arranged like trophies. I knew a guy who had a 3D model of a caffeine molecule; it was one of his proudest possessions.

Hell, even illegal destructive substances like Cocaine, Heroin, and Meth are glorified; Cocaine especially. "White Gold". First you get the money and all that Scarface bullshit. Cocaine is a piss poor excuse for a recreational drug. Cokeheads are edgy, loud, violent, addicted, twitchy, paranoid, psychotic egomaniacs.

You know what isn't glorified? MDMA, a drug designed for assisting therapists with particularly difficult clients, which makes people love each other, give each other hugs, forgive one another, and recognize their own faults. Psilocybin, a profound entheogen which imbues many of its users with a need to see their goals to the end. And never-fuckin'-mind Dimethyltryptamine (DMT), the most powerful hallucinogen known to man, produced by your pineal gland while you sleep, when you die, and when you achieve Kensho. DMT is more illegal than Heroin. Figure that out.

War, everywhere. Bombings, suicide bombings, school shootings, orange alert, terrorists, DEATH, KILLING, FEAR. We have war pumped into us every second of every day, on The Teevee (another idol you guys need to lay off of), newspapers, radio, word-of-mouth, everywhere. Every day, somewhere in the third world gets the shit blown out of it and innocent people die in the name of Freedom. Or in the name of what my Dad wants, which is completely fuckin' ridiculous, but that's a rant for another time. And on the home front? We get told that we're being protected, protected from people who wouldn't want to have anything to do with us if we'd just leave them the fuck alone. So we get more lies pumped into us, that's what we need.

And then there's hunger, ridiculous class divisions, homelessness, apathy, preventable diseases, rampant Capitalism, deforestation, global warming, schools that take the subjects you love and turn them into chores you hate, meaningless jobs, mid-life crises, broken marriages... And the DRAMA.

Ok. I gotta stop. You get the idea.

Huh. I can't be certain, but I think I just heard a gunshot.

So if life sucks so much, why am I such a peace-and-love tree-hugging hippie faggot?
If you're reading these entries in forward-chronological order, you're gonna hate me for this.

Because God is infinitely and blissfully beautiful.

(Continued in the next entry.)
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On Sex  
10:20am 04/07/2007
"Don't love me. Love what I stand for, stand for it, and learn to love yourself."
-Jesus of Toronto

-=-Pool's Open-=-

Have sex. Enjoy it. Be good at it. Practice it casually. Have fuck buddies. Have open relationships, polyamoury, and polygamy. Spread love; but not STIs! Wrap your crap; that means use a condom. If you want to bareback it, get you and your partner tested first, every time you have a new partner. Ladies, take the pill. It's a small price to pay for the assurance your life won't be accidentally radically changed forever.
Be Good, Giving, and Game. Focus on trying to provide your partner with pleasure, not trying to get them to pleasure you. Be energetic, but not frantic. This isn't a race. Take your time. Discuss sex openly with your friends; swap tips and stories (but don't name names!). Discuss sex openly with your lovers. Reclaim your sexuality. Don't be ashamed of it; don't hide it, flaunt it. Learn the Hanky Code. Celebrate your sexuality. Cultivate it. Masturbate. Don't just do it to get off, really take some time and explore yourself. Find out what you like and dislike, and what you'd like to like with a bit of practice, maybe. Read the Kama Sutra. Practice things in your daily life that will improve your performance. A healthy diet low in meat and high in fruit (especially tropical fruits like pineapple, mango, and papaya) makes your cum taste better; millions of vegetarians will agree! Take up meditation. Take up yoga. Be flexible. Don't be afraid to try new positions. Experiment! Bite softly. Test your limits. Change it up, in the bedroom and out; repetition is boring! Learn to improvise.
Don't automatically associate Sex with Everlasting Love. It's okay to love someone for only a few weeks; a few days; a few hours! You don't have to love them forever. If you love someone who doesn't love you, don't force them to. Let what is, be. There really are plenty of fish in the sea, and if they don't love you for who you are, it wouldn't work out for very long anyway. Get connected! Stay connected. Don't drop everyone you know every time a new hottie comes around. Don't label yourself. We live in a world where gender and sexuality are, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder.
Make yourself attractive. Take good care of yourself. Be presentably clean. Create a 'look'; don't just blend into the crowd. Stand out, but do it tastefully. Look at the people you're attracted to; identify the qualities that attract you to these people. Can you apply them to yourself? If you like how collected someone is, be collected. If you like how extroverted they are, be extroverted.
Be genuine about it. Learn to cultivate these qualities, not fake them, and not only will the people you're attracted to love you, but now you can love you too. Don't be afraid to love yourself! Paired with a healthy amount of humility (not shame!),
Self-Confidence is the sexiest trait you can have. Play the game*. Enjoy it. Play hard to get. Be hard to get. Be playful.
Be you.
Be free.

-=-Pool's Closed-=-

Why am I advocating sex so much when all the religious texts say it's so, so wrong?
Let's take a look at things logically here.
Yeah, I know, "Logic and religion don't mix." Deal with it.
Picture yourself at the time of my first incarnation. You don't have a shower. You bathe once a year, maybe. Ya fuckin' stink. You haven't washed your crotch in forever and you reek of cheese or fish, depending on what you're packing. Sex makes you exert energy, which makes you sweat, compounding the already toxic odour emanating from your pores. You have no way to protect yourself from STIs. You don't have toilet paper; your taint is a minefield of dingleberries. Your junk is encrusted with smegma or your snatch with chunks of dried period blood.

Are we beginning to see here how sex might be regarded as unholy?

However, such is not the case today. We do have showers, and toilet paper, and razors, and tampons, and all these pleasant little luxuries we can use to keep ourselves as clean as we want. No longer are our crotches unhallowed places of reek and death! Hopefully.

So be clean and be free! Fornicate! Fuck! You have the Consent of the King**!

* I lost.
** Someone at some point turned Fuck into an acronym for Fornication Under Consent of the King. Don't look at me, I didn't do it.
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On Being Calm  
10:06am 04/07/2007
"Man who stand on toilet high on pot."

After sitting down to void myself this morning, I was shocked to find there was no toilet paper on the roll. My boyfriend's words the night before rang through my head. "Aw, are we out of toilet paper again?"
My first instinct was worry. I was all ready to panic. I went to check under the sink, and was shocked to find a fresh roll sitting on the counter. I hadn't even noticed it coming in.

Panic not, for the universe provides to those willing to look. Oftentimes the answer is closer than you think.
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02:47am 04/07/2007
"It's the good advice
that you just didn't take.
Who would've thought
it figures..."
-Alanis Morissette

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."

--Max Ehrmann, Desiderata
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Ten Commandments  
01:48am 04/07/2007
"If you don't start showing some peace, love, and unity, I'll break your fucking faces."
-DJ Frankie Bones

The Ten Commandments

Nevermind any of this King James bullshit. Here's how shit went down in the fuckin' Qur'an. Notice it's out of order; my Father never came down to any mountain carving rocks with lightning bolts; as we progress, I'll reveal the true nature of God, that being a form in which doing so is damn-near impossible. The Ten Commandments were a good idea, executed poorly; someone, maybe it was Moses, did his book work and figured that the following passages were really important, and that they'd be really groovy presented all in order all nice and tidy-like.
Without further adieu.

1. "There is no other god beside God."(47:19)
2. "My Lord, make this a peaceful land, and protect me and my children from worshiping idols." (14:35)
3. "Do not subject God's name to your casual swearing, that you may appear righteous, pious, or to attain credibility among the people." (2:224)
4. "O you who believe, when the Congregational Prayer (Salat Al-Jumu`ah) is announced on Friday, you shall hasten to the commemoration of GOD, and drop all business." (62:9)
5. "....and your parents shall be honoured. As long as one or both of them live, you shall never say to them, "Uff", nor shall you shout at them; you shall treat them amicably." (17:23)
6. "....anyone who murders any person who had not committed murder or horrendous crimes, it shall be as if he murdered all the people." (5:32)
7. "You shall not commit adultery; it is a gross sin, and an evil behaviour." (17:32)
8. "The thief, male or female, you shall mark their hands as a punishment for their crime, and to serve as an example from God. God is Almighty, Most Wise." (5:38 - 39)
9. "Do not withhold any testimony by concealing what you had witnessed. Anyone who withholds a testimony is sinful at heart." (2:283)
10. "And do not covet what we bestowed upon any other people. Such are temporary ornaments of this life, whereby we put them to the test. What your Lord provides for you is far better, and everlasting." (20:131)

Ready? Let's shed some light on this story. We're going to be comparing things to the King James version (Exodus 20:2-17), and then we're gonna rewrite the damned things altogether.

2 I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery;
3 you shall have no other gods before me.

4 You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me,
6 but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.

7 You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.

8 Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy.
9 For six days you shall labour and do all your work.
10 But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns.
11 For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it.

12 Honour your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

13 You shall not murder.

14 You shall not commit adultery.

15 You shall not steal.

16 You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

17 You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.

--Commandment One--
As Saint Carlin once proposed, the Ten Commandments, the biblical version, were about control. We had a working lower class, and a rich holy class, and the rich wanted to stay rich and make sure the poor stayed poor. First thing? Tug on the heartstrings. "I brought you out of Egypt, now you have to pay me back!" Second thing? Put things into His first person. Whereas the Qur'an states that there is no god but God, the Ten Commandments has God saying there is no god but Me. It doesn't come on any higher authority than that, folks! You heard it, straight from the deity's mouth! Now you've established control. He has said personally that He's the only god, and these are his laws. Follow them or burn. Now that the road is paved, let's move on to the next one.

--Commandment Two--
The Qur'an asks God to make this a peaceful land, and to protect people from worshiping idols. That's idols, period. None of this jealous God bullshit, no condemning children for their parents' misdoings. Peace through the absence of idols.
You know what really tickles my funny bone?
All those huge crosses you've got in churches, some of 'em with my ugly-ass dessicated corpse hanging off them? (btw, way to be negative, guys) Those are fucking idols! Anything that you bow down to and worship instead of God is an idol, and a false one at that. You wanna wear a cross to show your faith? Great, go for it. I wear one myself, I think it's a wonderful symbol of reclamation. But STOP. WORSHIPING THEM.

--Commandment Three--
This one's pretty basic. There was a bit lost in translation; the 10C's says do not misuse his name ever ever ever. God's more laid back that that, guys, he's chill. The original intention for this commandment was that people don't use the word 'God' as a curse for the express purpose of appearing righteous. Good Lord. (Heh heh heh.)

--Commandment Four--
All work and no play makes Methusalahmosesjob a dull boy. Plain and simple. If you work yourself ragged all the time, you have no time to observe God. Observance (note: not worship) of God is good for your Body, Mind, and Soul (the real Holy Trinity!). We'll delve into this later.

--Commandment Five--
You were probably thinking; what the hell does Uff mean? You're probably also wondering how the hell honouring your mother and father makes the days long in the land. Well, maybe not. When you're listening to everything your parents say, the days sure do seem to stretch on and on and ON and ON. Uff is the sound you make when you're annoyed, or at least, one of them. The passage is basically saying to always treat your parents with respect, as they are older, wiser, and more knowledgeable than you. Mind you, sadly, in today's society this isn't always the case. We'll get into that when we revise these buggers.

--Commandment Six--
The infamous Thou Shalt Not Kill. The 10C's version brings up some hefty hypocrisy; how do you justify killing murderers if you're not allowed to kill anyone? The Qur'an version is superior for this.

--Commandment Seven--
Adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and one who is not his or her spouse. Key word here? Married. Do you folks know what marriage means? Back in the day, the days of the bible, parents sold their daughters to men in exchange for a dowry, a present of gifts and cash and livestock. Granted that this is a dominantly patriarchal society, this law was created for the ladies. You get sold, you fuck the man we sold you to. And nowadays, what is marriage? Something fags want 'cos Someone Else Has It, something breeders can't keep but won't give to the fags, and the destroyer of millions of childhoods. Oh yay.

--Commandment Eight--
You shall not steal. EVAR. Taking a dollar is an equally weighted sin to KILLING EVERYONE. You will go to Hay-ul-uh, you cookie-jar-thief! Well, no, not in the Qur'an version. But in King James! But yeah, the Qur'an just says to mark them; that means cut up or brand the backs of their hands with a symbol that is widely recognized as the mark of a thief. The guy isn't going to hell, he's just gonna have a hard time around vendor carts. Hey, I've got a wild idea; why don't we eliminate the need for people to steal, rather than punish the ones who do?

--Commandment Nine--
Here's the one I like, in both versions. Qur'an; don't withhold the truth. Bible; don't fuckin' lie. Put 'em together and you've got some serious truth going on.

--Commandment Ten--
The bible tells us not to covet, lust after, the things other people have. Why? 'Cos He said so. In our other version it goes a little bit deeper; why? Because such things are petty and material, and God is immortal and eternal. Better to side with what you can take with you when you die.

So! Now that we've got that all wrapped up and under our belts, it's time for some radical reconstructive surgery.

The Ten Aspects of the Divine

1. God is within all and all is within God.
The Cosmos is His body, the Collective Unconscious His mind, and the Supersoul, His Spirit. There is no point to hold other gods before him, for all other gods are of Him, are a part of Him. Don't get me wrong here, you can hold other gods; just remember who the big kahuna is, eh?

2. Spend not the entirety- or even majority- of your focus on idols.
The worship of idols turns one's focus away from God and the rest of His creation. This includes money. The more you focus on one image or symbol, the less time and energy you have to focus on other matters. Observe something new every day. Live in the moment.

3. Strive for Balance in all aspects of your life.
Among things, Piety must be paired with Humility. Your devotion to Him by virtue of itself does not make you any better than anyone else. The truly wise wear their jade under common clothes.

4. Make time to observe God and His creation.
It doesn't matter when it is. It could be every day, or once a week; whatever you can manage. Just always take some time out to separate yourself from the material and connect with God, even for a little while. Life is the perfect reason to celebrate life. And meditate once in a while, damnit! It's good for you!

5. Treat all persons- including yourself- with Peace, Love, Unity, and Respect.
Not just your parents. Forgive freely those who have trespassed against you. Do not trespass against others. We are all a part of God; we are all One. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Also, as was said in he Holy Desiderata; "[D]o not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are borne of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself."

6. You shall not kill any mammal, bird, amphibian, lizard, or crustacean, nor shall you consume any of these creatures.
Killing another human being is a last resort, and is to be avoided at all costs (barring the termination of one's own life). Meat in diet is to be avoided, due to its innate unhealthiness, the hormonal and chemical overdosing most meat undergoes in farming, and karmic repercussions. Fish is an exception to the first two. Eat at your own (karmic) risk.

7. Hold fast to your commitments. Do not make a promise or vow unless you absolutely intend to keep it.
Don't be a cop out. This goes double for marriage; don't enter into a legally binding, rest-of-your-life union unless you're certain you can honor it for the rest of your life!

8. All people shall have their basic needs met.
Food, water, shelter, education, and in this day and age, transportation, communications, and health care. When people aren't scraping by in order to eke out a meager living for themselves, they have the time and resources to really pursue what they feel passionate about. There's more than enough wealth in the world for everyone to have their basic needs met; sadly, the top 225 people on the economic ladder have more money combined than the bottom three billion.
Eliminate the need for people to steal and you won't have thieves.

9. Think only in undiluted Truth.
If you do not entertain lies within your own mind, you will never intentionally tell one. Also, the person we lie to the most is ourselves; be mindful of this at all times.

10. You can't take it with you.
So don't get worked up over petty material things. If you are ready to pass into heaven to become One with God, the most lustrous new car or home entertainment system holds little more importance to you than a handful of dust (probably less, actually). If you are not, you're just going to die, reincarnate, and have to do it all over again anyway.

Let's recap.

1. God is within all and all is within God.
2. Spend not the entirety- or even majority- of your focus on idols.
3. Strive for Balance in all aspects of your life.
4. Make time to observe God and His creation.
5. Treat all persons- including yourself- with Peace, Love, Unity, and Respect.
6. Do not kill any mammal, bird, amphibian, lizard, or crustacean, nor consume any of these creatures.
7. Hold fast to your commitments. Do not make a promise or vow unless you absolutely intend to keep it.
8. All people shall have their basic needs met.
9. Think only in undiluted Truth.
10. You can't take it with you.

To wrap it up; these are not Commandments. You will not go to FIERY BURNING HELL for breaking one. They're guidelines. A template to a healthier, happier, more fulfilling time in this world, one which will help prepare you to return to God in the afterlife.

Father sends his love. Enjoy!
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